这个星期，我很少有时间做语言后，部分原因是因为我一直忙着写一个简短的故事 ，一方面是因为我已经讨论了有关在其他博客的语言很好的协议。 我利用这一点，跟我在上海最后的意见后，我们上了长时间的讨论后， 吴博客 。

讨论开始对语言学习网站无关的评论。 但真的让我热起来是痛苦地意识到，许多上海扬声器 - 或者更确切地说吴扬声器 - 不仅不保护自己的美丽的语言，但它们实际上是积极纯粹的无知摧毁其深厚的文化底蕴。

如果你已经阅读我一会儿，你可能知道，我觉得很强烈的有关语言，特别是关于消失的。 也许部分原因是，我从一个文化的地方，我们花了相当数量的资源，以促进少数民族语言，这么小的和无用的，它有大约1％的上海扬声器。 也许是愚蠢的，但它是我们的语言。 点击继续»

在本周的语言后，我想谈谈语言保护主义。 我不知道这是我要找的字，但如果你已经按照过去几周的博客，你可能知道我的意思。 这一切都始于上个月，这项建议禁止从媒体的英语单词，以维护“中国语言的纯洁性”。 现在看起来，当局已采取认真，昨天的电视频道正式通知新的语言政策。

我， 语言学家网站的博客，其中包括一些受人尊敬的意见，取得了大量的噪音，没有理由的。 或者说，原因有两个：一个是中国搞乱了他们的PR（“纯洁”字是在文化方面，特别是不错的选择）的老问题。 另一种是中国博客现场绝大多数是美国，这是美国人很难理解的语言殖民化的问题。

我是一个大的开放性和灵活性的英语崇拜者。 喜欢阅读博客的语言登录我学到了，欣赏descriptivist语言学的方法（学习一门语言是如何，而不是妄图支配应该如何），我相信这种放任的态度，有助于使英国最富有的语言世界。 点击继续»

在本周的语言后，我想在今天使用的许多歧视性的表达，以探讨性别的影响，在书面和口头的中国语言和中国妇女的反应。

鉴于大多数传统文化极为性别按今天的标准，这是很常见的，有在今天的语言中的性别歧视元素。 例如，在英语中，有老忌讳什么叫一个女消防员。 与他们的性别declensions拉丁语，甚至更多的问题，点一些大胆的西班牙女权主义者，喜欢写“abogad @”，以支付律师的所有可能的男女。

旧儒家传统在中国是难以性别平等的一个例子，儒家学者和中国几千年的脚本之间的亲密关系，这是很自然的人物应该进行一些重要的偏见。 正如我们将看到，语言是没有任何好转，反映了社会的女人了，即使在老百姓的作用有限。 点击继续»

这是在我的博客的新功能。 它是后续的初始语言和文化的职位，去年，我从现在承诺继续系列，每星期四，我觉得它。 这个想法是张贴有关这些语言的好奇心，我在我的普通话学习中遇到和我抄下，直接在我的书桌。

专业人士喜欢你找到语言日志中要标记之间的语言学家和通晓数种语言的差异，我完全同意。 虽然我是一个语言学，尤其是那些描述类的风扇，我从来没有学过认真的纪律，我不能告诉介词从palmiped。 我只是一个奇怪的语言学习者，我会坚持我所知道的。

阻碍这一思想，我一会儿从语言编写的，考虑了丰富的选择语言学家 博客已经可用。 但转念一想，有一定程度的权利之间的人类学和语言学，空间开阔非专家猜测，生活在语文学习是正规培训的重要。

我指的是语言和文化如何相互影响的观察，和一定的性格和对世界的看法如何进入印的语言，遥远的过去形成化石的过程正在进行即使在今天 。 这是点的语言和文化系列，其中包括以上问题的答案。 下面是一个例子： 点击继续»

我已经离开了一会儿，因为我所有的假期时间已经由上海的两个有趣的故事，其中的一个电视连续剧，另一种新型吸收。

串行是WoJu，蜗牛的家，愚蠢地翻译成英文为的窄Dwellingness，或任何。 它已经在中国红热，因为其在11月的第一次广播。 爱丽丝刘单位“和“ 优酷Buzz博客最近遮盖。

由于这些博客指出，这一直是最具爆炸性的成功，我们还记得在中国的电视连续剧。 在不到一个月的时间里，它引发了激烈的辩论，在互联网上，吸引了数百万在线和关闭，并用了可怕的手检查员。 其快速成功的原因之一是有关的问题，买房子，正好碰到年轻的中国观众当场的中心主题。

但是Woju是远远比房地产和腐败的故事。 这是一个扣人心弦的戏剧，丰富的次要情节不断发展具有非常现实的字符填充，围绕一个中心三角恋。 近代中国社会的一个尖锐的批评，是迄今为止我曾经看到大陆电视上最好的产品。 最初它是一种新型的中国作家 ，我们应该看未来，更加紧密地溜溜，在2007年出版的。

下面是我的串行的印象，现在我已经完成了第15章。 我将集中在两个主要的兴趣点：希望了解中国的人的信息内容，并独立于其他因素的产品质量。 最后也是我观察，审查和其他相关的一些有趣的事情。

内容

这个序列是中国通，有抱负的中国问题专家的天堂。 任何试图了解中国的人都应该看它。 如果字符是不完全真实（没有小说可以永远）他们的忧虑，他们的问题和他们的动机是一个高保真的扩增，中国移动今天的年轻公民的反射。 它是浓缩了中国的现实。

我们一直在说过去几年的所有元素都存在，不是一个单一的一个缺失：关系建设，干部的二奶（爱好者），上海男人欺负自己的妻子的，谁也看不出他们的婴儿，非法工作的父母高息贷款，开发商和地方官员之间shanghaiers和外界的冲突，一夜之间丰富的温州，新中国的道德，拆迁或“摧毁”，“钉子人”谁抵制，移动之间的相互勾结山寨手机......你说出它。

和所有是如此精确，你甚至可以看到多少的人物都在自己的工作收入，高利贷什么兴趣问，要花多少钱的党的干部要得到他的第一个小二奶（情人）。

肯定有更好的书，描绘了在过去的中国社会，但主体正在发生变化如此之快，他们都是过时的。 我不认为有任何其他的小说今天的工作，更准确地反映在大约2010年的上海社会。

“你好，我是市委局局长宋（我只是shagged你的女朋友）”

如果你正在学习中国，该系列产品是一个伟大的地道的普通话双MUST。 如果你不是，然后站在与英文字幕的DVD，希望海盗一个人翻译这一次与他的托福水平。 这肯定是有市场，如果他们与电影明年政府不制止它，我也不会感到惊讶。

质量

但更重要的是比上述所有产品的质量。 这是很好的小说和良好的娱乐。

故事是由强烈的爱情三角形的中心美丽的女演员扮演，年轻的海藻李念 。 上面列出的所有元素，包括房地产热潮的赢家和输，倾向于解决此爱/恨的故事，在接触了两个不同的世界：laobaixing干部，中国城市的两个类。

但也许是最好的串行方面，中国电视上呼吸新鲜空气，是绝对缺乏对公众的道德教训。 这里没有英雄或恶棍。 贪婪的开发商，难耐徒劳的妻子，缩头缩脑上海的丈夫，神秘，蛮横的上海姑娘李念饰演。 他们每个人只是人类的弱点，并和我们一样的野心。 他们每个人都可以以最好的和最坏的。

即使是贪官，是人之常情。 一个软弱的人在中年危机，在他手中的权力太大，不检查自己的行为和系统。 腐败，象爱情一样，发生的事件的自然过程，一个病态的社会​​和个人的邪恶计划不结果。 和绛州，为上海代表中国谭，是强大的旋风行动，其中的所有字符绝望漂泊。

检查

这并不奇怪，串行一直由政府审查。 然而，它已被审查的方式，罢工我假正经，如果不能清楚地白痴。

因为我现在是在欧洲，我已经能够观看YouTube上的串行和审查一个中国网站优酷上的比较。 有没有对图像的审查以上，其中上海市委官员公然与男友聊天的女孩，他刚刚被强奸免费使用他的政治力量。

相反，下面的图片进行审查：

看到原来的场景，下面审查的版本，在中国所示。

这是第一个串行正确的性场面。 在原始版本中，您会看到在屏幕的四分之一海藻呻吟的脸，而其他的图像对应到各自的妻子和男友，谁是在家里，担心自己的亲人，而他们正在做奥运类的乌龟。

是海藻的呻吟脸更比上面显示的快乐先生宋淫秽？ 画出自己的后果。 同样有趣的是要注意生产者参加在审查过程中，火爆的场面，不仅切出，但编辑和取代其他原稿放大图像在上面的妻子。

其他细节和问题

我会回来当我与串行更多细节，但目前我有2个问题，为市民，特别是许多中国人，我知道是谁已经观看了整个35章：

1 - 串行秀为什么如此显着的海藻“Coogle”shanzhaied电话，它只是使其更现实，或者是报复，因为谷歌拒绝赞助？

2 - 有一个阴谋的一部分，我只是不明白：海藻是处女，当她第一次与宋睡觉，如果她已与男友多年的生活吗？ 这是一个阴谋的差距，还是我错过了一些严重和令人担忧的中国文化元素？

在本系列的前两个 员额 ，我们看到，中国是世界的语言保持了一套完整独立的词汇根和非代表他们的语音脚本，我们可以称之为一个单独的词系统。 出于这个原因，我认为，中国可能是最困难的语言得到充分的流畅性，无论对学生的语言背景。

但也有比单纯的语言的困难，特别是文化和政治的，更有趣的问题。 因为拒绝使用贷款和语音脚本是有意识的决策结果。 的确，有没有在语言本身，禁止进口的外来词或一个字母使用，有目前使用中的直接贷款，写拉丁字母，如DVD或KTV已经有一些例外。

中国有来自世界各地不同的并行的Word系统，以及政府在维护本系统有积极的作用。 然而，这项政策是不会单方面强加以上。 它肯定是鼓励教育系统，但中国的扬声器似乎遵循自然，往往喜欢的中国根，即使没有监督。 这是在与系统的尝试，以保护当地的条件，才发现，人们还是喜欢“电子邮件”，“快递ELECTRONIQUE”在许多国家的情况相反。

人居住在中国有着悠久的足够认识到作为一个不同的文明，如何知道中国是其悠久的历史和自己的状态。 这种话语是对西方人的刺激性，因为它提醒太多极端民族主义的信条回家。 但它有一个与那些信仰的本质区别：在中国的情况，这是事实。 正如我们之前所说的 ，中国是有道理的，看到自己作为一个文明的摇篮，它是从世界的主流，直到近代几乎独立生存，只有这样的文化。 这种文化意识的主要原因是为保存语言，因为我们知道，幸存的不同的制度，甚至混乱的时期。

当我们研究中国，我们不只是学习另一种语言，我们是一个平行世界的话，词汇的最后一个独立的系统学习和写作，人类仍然有。 这是最类似地球上的另一个星球的语言学习经验。 如果中国确实是这样努力地学习，这应提供足够的动力，任何人尝试它。

政治上的考虑

普通话本身并不是一个非常困难的语言，是什么使得它很难是其复杂的Word系统，这是没有必要的大部分（即语言可能仍然存在贷款和一个字母）。 该系统使得它很难外国人和中国沟通，这是中国教育的一个严重障碍。 在上个世纪的发展，一直是中国的主要优先事项，以恢复她昔日的辉煌，已拆除低效的文物，无闪烁，就像北京的城墙，。 中国的词和字符，最后以保持这些阻塞的纪念碑，是迄今为止最古老的所有。 这是一个奇迹，他们已经存活直到今天。

字符的未来似乎更安全方便的方法，在键盘上输入字符的发明，但他们的持久性是没有保证的手段。 许多著名的语言学家认为拼音作为主要书面语言和消除人物的日常生活，而不是鲁迅，或已故的约翰·弗朗西斯至少使用。 虽然我很佩服这些人，他们的工作，我完全反对他们的位置作为一个原则问题。 我不认为任何人都不会相信我在这个年龄的经济学家，甚至在新中国哲学 ，但我必须这样说的：效率是不是最高值。 事实上，它甚至不是在本身的价值，但只是一种手段。 和悲伤的手段将是恢复中国的伟大，如果有留下什么恢复。

我认为这是明确的大多数中国人的今天，他们的话语系统是太珍贵了，为了提高效率，放弃它。 然而，一些合理的让步，可这可能确保系统的长期生存。 特别是，接受外国贷款为新技术的话，可能会促进国外研究和认真开始真正的中国人才外流的外国人才纳入中国的访问。 完全接受了拉丁字母代表语音外国专有名词（已经被用于非正式）也将是对效率的一个步骤，在不牺牲系统的心脏，将所有想学英语的中国有很大的帮助。

除了考虑的实际问题，同样重要的是心态背后的中国词语系统。 所有的语言在世界不断增长的常用词汇有很大一部分，是人类共同的文化和大多数文化的认同，因为这部分只会成为更大的技术进步，合理的解决方法是采取一种共同的语言沟通。 通过决定远离除了这个系统，对中国的语言选择代表世界各地反对的立场，并以某种方式延续了传统的古村，甚至在全球联网的年龄隔离。 中国互联网社区和偏狭的误解 ，从它出现的文化之间，在一定程度上，这种选择的后果。

在中国的关系中发挥的语言与世界的一部分可能不是第一重要的。 但即使在今天，这部分是不是可以忽略不计，在通信技术的进步，没有人知道多么重要，它在未来将成为。 最终，它最多只能到中国来决定他们自己想要的是什么语言。 我们只能等待，看看，希望他们找到一种方式留在我们的连接，同时保留其独特的遗产词。

上星期五，我写了一个很长的职位，我结束了包括太多的想法。 的主要点位了，结果掩盖，但它是简单地此：在学习一门语言，词汇起着至关重要的作用，不仅是因为中国这个极其困难的先进水平，但也越来越难与时间。

我不认为这是开创性的研究，但有趣的是，因为大多数人都没有意识到这一点，也对在悫语言和政治两个领域，我们要培养这个博客的限制其影响。 下面是结论充分的论据，例子和详细信息，请参阅以前的职位 ，其意见：

• 要学习一种新语言所需的主要知识是在三个方面：语法，语音和词汇。 语法和语音不同，基本上是从词汇中，前两个是无限的情况下适用的规则，而后者则是原始数据。 我们可以打电话给他们的语言代码和数据元素。 代码元素是有限的，而不是增长。 几乎是无限的和不断增长的数据元素，它不完全掌握母语甚至点。

• 学习一种语言时，代码元素发挥至关重要的作用水平在初级和中级，但先进水平的通信真正的障碍，因此进步是数据。 例如，在德国先进的学生有时可能会使用错误的词尾变化，并在西班牙，他们可能无法区分“RR / R”的声音。 这些东西往往不妨碍沟通，因为人类的语言是高度冗余。 我永远不会明白“佩罗”（但是）当一位发言者说，“perro”（狗）。 最终，在代码元素的含量口音相同的缺陷：大部分的时候，他们仅作为元数据相关。

• 但同时一定程度以上的代码是高度冗余，数据仍然在每一个级别所必需的。 从这个伟大的文章 ：借用短语“浴池找到有效的治疗静脉炎”是毫无意义的名词一方或双方是未知的。 缺少一个单一的词往往可以掩盖整个段落或文章的含义。

• 被动的话在现实生活中使用的数量远远超过了典型的语言水平标准名单。 这是因为半专业词汇，如离子 ，J acuzzi或矩阵不包括词汇表，因为它们被认为是太罕见了。 当然这些话是很少使用，但有这么多，作为一个整体，他们其实很经常使用。 这个数据元素是如此之大，不能在教室里的记忆，并获得它的唯一途径是通过多年的浸泡。

• 为什么大多数语言学习者从未意识到这个问题的原因是因为他们是“欺骗”。 在世界上的大多数语言中，这个高层次的词汇几乎是相同的，它并不需要学习。 有一定的限制水平为每一种语言以上的最现代的词是国际和数据是没有更具体的语言。

• 这个词汇衔接的限制水平为每一种语言不同，但它没有这么多的依赖于语言的家庭或原产地域，而是取决于的大小和的扬声器社会的发展。 这是中级以上是非常容易的原因，即使非印欧语系语言，如巴斯克：社区是不是大到足以支持复杂的条款，所有更高的数据是从国际通过。 大多数人往往误解和太重视语言家庭的概念，他们来到这个荒谬的名单，如。

• 国际化的词汇越来越多，在电信和全球化的进展，尤其是因为，英语已成为科研的唯一语言。 在科学发明新的瑞典方面，例如，有小点，当所有的科学界的读/写他们的论文中英文。 通常情况下，尽管在政治努力，以促进本地的词汇，语言的经济恢复更高的数据传输回Internationalese。

• 这是唯一一个在世界上的语言，历史，政治和人口的原因，一直保持这一趋势的一个例外：语言是中文（普通话，粤语或其他人，这里是无关紧要的差异）。 它构成了高层次的数据并行系统，在其余的Word共同很少说话。 日本和韩国是他们借鉴中国和国际体系，但现代的话越来越国际和这些语言的融合，其余部分例外。

• 除此之外，中国有一个可笑的困难的书写系统，其功能的语音脚本缺乏独特。 这种化合物的词汇问题：不仅有更多的学习比在任何其他语言的话，但每个字包含更多的信息，因为它需要与其相应的字符相关。

• 此外，因为没有标准化的方式来抄写外国专有名词，甚至地方和个人的名字往往被“翻译”成中文，有时完全离开原来的语音，并成为中国在自己的权利名称。 这增加了在中国的语言已经非常庞大的数据元素。

这一切都需要我们的结论：中国是最困难的语言，在一个高层次的学习，无论学生的起源。

这是特别有趣，因为到现在为止这个问题的正确答案是：“取决于你自己的母语”。 与日本/韩国学生可能是个例外，这个职位需要，中国实际上是别人最难的。 成反比的是，它也很难对中国学习其他语言，虽然这是由其他语言功能的语音脚本的事实减轻。

另外一个有趣的结论：中国不仅很难，它实际上是越来越困难。

随着世界变得越来越相互关联和技术占据了我们的生活更加重要组成部分，新的半专业词汇在日常语言中的增加部分。 参照国际概念，如“垃圾邮件”或“等离子电视”的表达式，越来越多地指的是当地的文化遗产表达的地方。 在这个意义上，我们可以说，在世界上所有的语言都趋同，而中国是一个岛国，其余所有分歧。

再有，我们可以从中得出的政治结论，但我致力于写短职位，因此，我们将离开的第二天。 欢迎评论和更正我的论点以上。

来自于生活的每一个学生的普通话点时，他觉得写的语言困难的呼叫。 时间终于来到了，我的 主人，我会按照路径 。 事实上，我打算走得更远。 我证明，中国是世界上最困难的语言。

我知道我危险的地面上行走，日语学习者节是一定要在我爱上所有其declensions的重量。 To make this a fair game, I will define first what I understand by difficulty: the time needed by one average person without previous contact with related languages, to attain a functional level, where functional is understood as being able to execute every normal activity in mandarin without significant disadvantage, such as: writing dissertations, hosting formal meetings, reading at a normal speed, chatting in a noisy a bar. I am taking my own level of French as standard measure of this level.

Of course, this standard and the whole notion of “significant disadvantage” are subjective and difficult to measure, but for the purpose of this post it should be enough. Note that the key factor here is utility : I am deliberately paying less attention to aspects such as accent as long as it doesn't get in the way of normal communication. The reason is that I am considering the language as a communication tool rather than a mark of status, origin or other possible functions. In China, any possible use of imitating accent is lost to most foreigners because the facial features give them away immediately.

Apart form the accent, important fields like Classic Chinese are given very little weight in my definition of “functional”, for obvious reasons. It is true that by using this definition I am weakening my case for the Most Difficult Language, but we can afford that, because our most formidable weapons are still in reserve.

One more thing before I continue: this exercise has been tried many times already, like here , here and here . I am ignoring previous results because the criteria used in each of them—such as teacher's perception or comparison of certain conventional parameters—do not have any use in real life. Each student is free to chose his own definition for difficulty and functional level, but it seems to me that the one in this post, summarized as “ the level needed to use the language seamlessly in native contexts” is the one that most people would naturally accept.

My argument follows the process of studying Chinese through 3 stages: First I prove that Chinese is easy, then I prove that it is difficult. Finally, I will give the reason why Chinese is THE MOST DIFFICULT language in the World. If you are already familiar with the study of mandarin you might want to skip straight to the third chapter.

Chinese is Easy

The simplicity of Chinese grammar at a basic level and the easy pronunciation and memorization (without tones) of the first lists of words makes for a very mild learning curve at first. I've had many occasions to compare with students of Spanish in Spain, and almost always the students of Mandarin in China are faster to start using simple sentences. Apart from the language itself, I suspect that the curious and chatty nature of the Chinese is an important part of it.

如果你已经在中国已经足够长的时间，你可能已经看到一些学生，了解到中国在1年的奇迹。 我会见了一些他们自己，并在某​​些情况下，我对结果感到惊讶。 这些人基本上是自然的传播者，他们并不需要的色调或人物，因为他们使用普通话，这是上下文中非常强大的工具。 他们的语调和身体语言的信息渠道万吨，使他们能够受理带几个小时就结束中国的成人，而你坐在那里恨恨地想知道哪里放了。 这是一个真实的故事，顺便。

当然，不是每个人都可以成为这样一个伟大的传播者，但这里的要点是：一个人的某种和为某种目标，中国其实也可以在浸泡时了解到一个简单的语言。 这是一种肤浅的层面上被称为当你听到有人说：“他讲14种语言的流利”。 它只是最基本的字符，几乎没有语法和长期无音记忆的日常词汇列表。 这是行不通的，甚至靠近我的功能级别的定义，但它是有用的，有益的，对于大多数人来说，这是他们所需要的。

正是出于这个原因，每个外国人来中国，特别是好奇和交际的，我强烈建议学习中国的谈话没有字符。 在这第一个层次，它具有经济意义，他们认真研究。

由于长时间暴露在说普通话的环境，一个喇叭没有字符可以去很长的路要走。 然而，严重的学生普通话，非字符的路径是不可持续的。 除其他原因，因为它会使其无法读写，有效地离开了限制大面积的知识。

中文是难

步入下一阶段之前，潜在的学生应该三思。 因为它需要时间的投资比例几乎任何其他语言的研究，甚至等复杂的事业，例如，获得博士学位。 在绝大多数情况下，它没有经济意义，它根本就不是一个理性的选择。 所以，如果你决定去那里，只是确保你有不合理的动机。

在这个阶段中出现的困难，如字符和声调，已优秀的文章 上面 提到的 ，所以我不会赘述。 我只想强调的因素的背景和相互依存的，我觉得有时被低估。 的想法，总结，是这样的：这两个diabolically中国口头和书面的困难代码变得更加困难，因为他们往往​​是不能自我在学生的头脑，但依靠相互学习，然后他们都依赖于上下文的一个很好的协议。

这是该系统的最荒谬的部分，因为直觉人会想象，（半）表意文字的脚本是从语音独立。 事实是，他们不仅没有独立的，但整个系统的效率低下，中国人自己很大程度上依赖于他们的口语语言来解释字符。 这就解释了，例如，为什么它是那么容易提出与字符的平均中国不能读，或为什么他们可以读1报纸知道只有2000 *字符，但你不能，他们成功地使用他们的口语语言要记住/猜缺少的字符。

In the other direction, the dependence on written material to learn to speak is common to any second language, as being able to read words in a phonetically significant way makes them much easier to remember. In China, the existing material in proper pinyin (Latin letters with tonemarks) is practically zero, and the tendency of some letters and tones to vary among regions makes it almost impossible to learn them properly just from listening. To make matters worse, Chinese speakers themselves rely on the characters to solve ambiguities, as is often the case with names of people and places, or when they explain a new word: “My name is Jiang,” they say, “the beauty-woman Jiang” referring to the 2 parts of the character 姜. Ambiguities tend to happen a lot in contextual languages like mandarin, even more when a foreigner is involved.

This mutual influence between speech and writing has many other consequences unique to Chinese: for example, it is impossible to write down or even read foreign words without an advanced knowledge of characters, making it very difficult to understand familiar names both in writing and in conversation.

All these factors (and many others I haven't mentioned) provide an extremely difficult learning environment for a foreigner. This is the main reason why it is impossible to reach functional level without following a balanced approach on spoken and written language, plus immersion in Chinese culture. It explains why sinologists with a vast knowledge of characters never get to speak the language functionally , and neither do old China Hands living for decades in language immersion. They both stand on a wobbly platform with one leg shorter than the others.

In short, to study Chinese the effort is similar to learning 2 different languages that need to be pursued in parallel**. And each of these two languages is a LOT more difficult than French (for an English speaker).

This however, has still failed to impress the students of Japanese, who are already grinding their katanas to come after my head. I will admit that, up to here, the Japanese language still has a good chance of beating Mandarin. Move on to the next section to see my checkmate.

Chinese is the Most Difficult Language in the World

Now is when we get to the third phase, that of students at a functional level , without any “significant disadvantage”compared with native speakers. As far as I am concerned, this phase is just hypothetical: I have never seen a foreigner who got there. I am not saying this person does not exist, I just mean that after 3 years in China I haven't met any, that is how rare it is.

In terms of the measure standard established, I could phrase it like this: I have still not met a single foreigner who is fluent in Chinese at a level to compete with my own level in French, which is my 4th language, learnt as an adult in 3 years spent in France. I have an accent and a few faux amis , but I can read and write as fast and complex as any of my French colleagues with similar backgrounds, and I can't remember the last time I didn't get something on TV. I challenge anyone to get me a non-native Chinese speaker that can speak or write like I do in French, or even at a comparable level. Excuse me if I sound cocky, I am just writing this because it is the basis of the argument that follows.

But let's get to the real point of this post: Why is Chinese the most difficult Language in the World?

The main basis for this assertion has to do with vocabulary. I think that in most studies about learning Chinese, this factor has been greatly understated. It is in my opinion the single most important obstacle for a student to get to the functional level . Before I explain why, let me give some background:

In the origin there are deep cultural reasons, that come from the fact that China is seen by its speakers as a cradle of civilization. Actually, it can be accurately said that China is one of the cradles of civilization, and the only one that has kept a living language to this day. Linguists will say that the language has changed completely since the times of the Shang, but this is a purely technical objection. Culturally, it is STILL the same people and the same language, it is felt like this by the speakers, and this entails a series of attitudes that are unique to Chinese.

These “attitudes” include not recognizing Latin or Greek as cultural references, and by extension not accepting English or other foreign roots in the creation of new words. This is the heart of the matter. This makes things extremely difficult for foreigners studying mandarin, and also for Chinese studying foreign languages. And it has implications that go beyond the scope of language learning.

Regarding the practical consequences for the student of mandarin, consider this: the active vocabulary required to obtain a standard level of language—for example, the vocabulary required for highest level of HSK— typically contains no more than a few thousand words, which are more than enough for everyday general conversation. And yet, the HSK11 people that I have met were not even close to competing with my French.

The reason is that for people with a higher education, the passive vocabulary really needed to attain a functional level is much larger than the vocabulary required in any standard test of proficiency. Think of vector , ion or metaphysical . None of these words enter the standards lists of vocabulary because in theory they are technical terms, and yet they appear in normal conversation and you are expected to recognize them even if you have no idea what an ion really is. You acquire these words through a lifetime of living inside a culture.

So what happened with my French? Obviously, I just learned the few thousand words necessary to get along, and from then on it was extremely easy… because the vast pockets of specialized vocabulary were for the most part already known to me. And that is because, once you have learnt to decode phonetics and grammar, and above a certain level of vocabulary, all the languages in the World become almost the same—except for Chinese, that is.

And as a consequence of this Chinese differentiation, the only practical method for most people to achieve functional level is to spend a lifetime in immersion, in order to acquire the vocabulary in all those fields that are not studied in language school and can only be learned through experience. In summary, for a student to become functional it would take, following our three phases above:

1. Exceptional communication abilities, talent and motivation.
2. Years of full-time study to learn reading and writing.
3. Even longer – min around 10 years? – in 100% immersion in China.

Essentially, we are speaking of a person who is dedicated to Chinese as a career, who has a talent for language and who lives in a total Chinese environment for many years. It is not impossible that this person exists, and we might even have someone in comments below who responds to this description. But the conjunction of those 3 conditions in one single person is extremely rare, and for the vast majority of students, functional level in Chinese will always be out of reach.

Excuse the long post, I wrote it out of frustration the other day when I got stuck in the middle of a sentence containing ionic treatment, partly because the word for ion, 离子 (li2zi3) like many other technical words, does not give you any clue when it is out of the context of physics. I would like to see what the Japanese (who are pretty good at saying “ion” phonetically) have to answer to this. Checkmate.

And Chinese has won the dubious honour of being the most difficult language in the World.

NOTES:

*There has been much discussion about this and the number is probably wrong. The point is that even when you get to know more characters than a native Chinese, he will still be able to read much better and faster than you. This is frustrating.

** I am using terms very loosely here, Written Chinese is not in itself a language but a representation of Chinese. It is not really studying 2 languages, but I find this comparison useful to give a feel of the raw amount of data that needs to be stored into your head.

聚苯乙烯。 If you are interested in this debate, see the summarized and hopefully more clear post here .

There are some beliefs that, although not originally from China, were embraced so thoroughly by the Chinese that they became part of the local culture. One example is Buddhism, imported from India in ancient times. Another one, I have found out, is the teaching of the modern management gurus, imported from the USA.

It is interesting how analysts of China continue to explain all the social phenomena with the Confucian tradition, when it seems to me that the Johnsonian and Golemanian thought must be at least as influential nowadays. Walk into any Chinese bookshop or check out the local pirate's tricycle to see that self-improvement and cheese management titles rule supreme. The glossiest and most liquid books on the front table are the likes of: “Train yourself to start the next Google”, “How I changed myself from a complete idiot to a Fortune 500 CEO”, or “How I built a company that acquired the company of the idiot in the previous book”.

Now, I have to warn you at this point: the titles mentioned may not be 100% exact, I am illiterate in the field of self-improvement. As a conceited, self-styled free-thinker I cannot help an almost classist repulsion towards those works, and I frown even on the tricycle that sells them. During my years in the old Europe I happily managed to stay away from the rites of personal productiveness. But ever since I moved to China, the new philosophy is lurking at every turn of phrase, and all resistance is in vain.

One of the concepts that appears most often in conversation is that of EQ, or emotional intelligence, coined by D.Goleman in his 1995 best-seller . After dozens of Chinese spin-offs over the years, it has become an everyday expression here. It is not surprising that an idea like EQ should be so popular in the highly competitive Chinese system, where it provides some much needed comfort: don't worry if you didn't make it into a top Uni – the books say – because it's not IQ but EQ that will determine your future. The pair IQ/EQ is also known in Chinese as 智商/情商，(zhishang/qingshang), although I find that the English abbreviation is more commonly used.

Whenever EQ comes up in conversation I like to point out that the concept is unscientific , especially in the loose form in which it is used here. But my wikipedic erudition always fails to impress the locals, and I have seen my EQ summarily analyzed in multiple occasions. The first time this happened to me was during a lunch with my colleague Jia, an otherwise bright engineer, in the first year of my stay in China. I can remember it almost vividly:

- Uln, your Chinese is getting pretty good.
- Thanks - I ignored it. The comment is standard icebreaker in mandarin.
- You have a very good IQ – he continued.
- Hm, thanks, you are also not bad.
- Yes, but.
- But? -

He looked me intently in the eye. It must have been the expression called “frank positive emphatic” in page 362 of the emotional book. When the look had been established, he proceeded:

- IQ is not good enough.
- No?
- No, you should watch your EQ.
- You mean, Ah Q, by Luxun?
- No, I mean EQ.
- So who wrote that one?
- Nobody did.
- It's not a book?
- It is many books.
- Is it any good?
- Listen here. EQ is what explains why some people with lower IQ get further in life than others with higher IQ!
- You mean, like guanxi.
- No, like emotional intelligence.
- Ah, I thought…
- Guanxi is just a part of it. EQ is about your skills to get on in life!
- I see.

But I didn't see. That human relations and non-technical skills are essential in one's career was one obvious thing, that I should check my parameters like a cranky old motor was quite a different one.

- Your IQ is Okay - he insisted – but you should watch your EQ.
- Like what?
- Like there are open positions in HQ, that would be a good move for your career.
- What?
- A corporate level position is the way to leverage your expat experience .
- But I don't want to live in Paris!
- You see, that is EQ.

I was beginning to feel a bit annoyed by the philosophy. I weathered another “empathic positive penetrative” while I plotted my counterattack.

- So, why don't you apply to go to Paris yourself? – I said finally.
- What, me?
- Yes, of course, you have much more experience!
- But I am not an expat!
- So what, it's not required.
- You know, Uln – he paused slightly – I have my children to take care of.
- There are family packages.
- She would never let me, my in-laws would kill me!
- Hah! –I said victorious – You should watch your EQ!
- But I already do!!

And this time he quickly looked away, forgetting the EQ looks, as if to hide some shameful thought. But too late, I had caught him already. It was my turn to pull the thread.

- Jia?
- Yes?
- You are pretty serious about this EQ, right?
- Er, I … do what I can.
- Building good connections in the company is a good strategy, right?
- Er.. you might say that.
- Like having a friend in the HQ, for example, right?
- Huh? No, no, of course I didn't say that..I wouldn't…
- Jia?
- Well?
- You have an excellent EQ, Jia, you know that?
- Oh, haha, no, no, thanks, you have an excellent IQ…

I know, I should be studying right now, and not writing posts. But I was just breathing slightly between two sessions of 模拟考试, and I reflected on the fascinating process of learning a new language, and on how, when you have been through it a few times, you end up developing your own secret methods to climb up the long steep ladder.

My approach to learning Chinese this year is based on the one I used with my previous languages: The reading method. It can only be used starting from intermediate level. In the case of mandarin, I would say this is not before 2 years of studying at a normal rate.

The method consists of acquiring first a minimum level of vocabulary to understand most simple texts, and from that point on dedicate your study time to the pleasant hobby of reading novels as captivating as possible. If you are a bookworm like me this works very well, because you end up putting in far more hours of study (reading) than you would if it were normal exercises. I know there are also many resources to read Chinese on the internet with cursor translator included, but computers tend to distract your attention very fast, whereas reading a good book gets your eyes glued to the characters for hours on end.

The result of this method is that you end up with a vast passive vocabulary and excellent character recognition abilities. Then it is up to you in your socializing time to go out and try to use these words in conversation, at the risk of locals saying you sound pompous. Sometimes you can even lift full phrases from a novel, and it is fun when you manage to use them in real life. For example, when I was reading Lu Xun's “AhQ” I placed neatly my favourite line:

Little Yi:我讨厌我的老板，怎么办?

Uln:你先估量对手，口讷的你便骂，力气小的你便打。

Little Yi:天哪！

Uln:怎么啦？

Little Yi:你又在练习！

Uln:我？没有啊。。。

Admittedly, my use of the method is a bit radical. But the social phase is an essential part of it, because once you have used a word a couple of times successfully, it quickly moves into your active vocabulary, and after that it rarely leaves you again. This is only practicable if you live in a Chinese environment, it never worked when I was back in Europe.

Reading speed

The key tipping point in the reading method is that moment when you realize that you can read a story fast enough to actually enjoy it. This is a function not only of your knowledge of characters/words, but also of the interest of the book and of your own personal nerdiness. When I read my first novel “Brothers” last year, I was so excited to taste the Chinese popular literary style that I gladly spent two months ploughing through the 700 pages of chengyu-ridden Yu Hua.

Since then, I have much increased my reading speed, to a point where I can sustainably read non-fiction without falling asleep. The preparation for the high-speed requirements of the HSK has helped me a lot for this, and I must say that, in spite of all my ranting in the previous post , it does make sense to force students a bit. Because the ability to read characters at normal native speeds is one of the most difficult to acquire, in my opinion.

Note that, when I say speed, I am not referring to the speed that comes from knowing all the words in the text. It is obvious that by using less the dictionary it is possible to read faster. My point is that, even for simple texts where all the words are familiar, I still read almost 3 times slower than a native Chinese, even after 1 year of reading books. This is an issue that has appeared only when studying Chinese, and not in any of my previous languages that used latin script, so I have strong reasons to think that it is tied to the use of characters.

I think it probably has to do with the way the brain processes the characters, and the way people schooled in Chinese from an early age have developed differently in this field. The post about reverse pinyin last week pointed me in this direction, and a few experiments I have done with my Chinese neighbours as well. I hope I have the time to write a bit more about this next week.

In the meantime, if there is a non-native advanced reader out there, I would like to hear your experience. Does it eventually get better, and do you manage to read at the same speed as the Chinese? Or do you have the same problem I note here? 让我知道。

确定，脱线，我又来了。 I already missed all Tuesday and Wednesday in an absurd meeting in Changsha so I need to catch up. I'll be back after the HSK, if I haven't showed up by Monday call the fire brigade.

I am back to Shanghai with some interesting anecdotes and some mildly funny pictures of Japan. Unfortunately, I will not be able to post any of that, because this week I am busy with work trips in China, and especially because this is the HSK week. It is just as well, I guess, after all this is not Japanyouren, and there are funnier travel bloggers out there if you are looking for a laugh.

Before I disappear for a week into my studying den, let me explain you again this business of the HSK. It is short for 汉语水平考试，or Chinese Level Exam, and it is the official standard to measure your level of mandarin, accepted by all universities in the mainland. It is also a very crazy exam, designed to squeeze out of the examinee's brains as much linguistic information as possible in 3 hours, and then put it down in measurable statistical terms.

As it happens, the HSK is an exam that does not mainly measure your level of Chinese. It measures your determination, endurance and sangfroid, and your faith in a better life after the bell. The good side of it, apart from hardening your soul, is that it gives you a good taste of the ultracompetitive Chinese education system and their university entrance exam. It is even reminiscent of the 科举考试 , the old imperial examination to select the bureaucracy, which famously caused some of the candidates to lose their wits and become heavenly kings . For a foreigner who is serious (deranged) enough to try to understand China, this experience is essential.

But back to the facts: This Saturday 17th is the HSK advanced, and I am going to fight for a level 9, out of 11 possible levels. I need to get this degree desperately, for the sole honourable objective of beating my own record. This is the Olympic spirit.

My practice essays with thoughts on the Four Books

Here are some details of the exam: the reading section contains text with a total of over 4,000+ characters, the equivalent of some 10 pages in a standard format novel, and on that text you have to answer 15 questions (not choose a,b,c,d, but actually answer with a sentence). There is a total of… 15 minutes for this part. I tested with a native Chinese friend and that is the time she took just to read the text at normal speed.

The essay writing is another scary part, because you get so used to typing with the computer that when it comes to handwriting characters you don't even know where to start. At least here you do get 30 minutes for an essay of 400-600 characters, so you actually have the time to read what you are writing, and to consider if you really want to express your own point of view in an exam which contains exercises like:

“ The concept of scientific development leads our people towards a more ——– society ” ( a-harmonious, b-harmonic, c-harmonium d-hormonal)

This example is not exactly literal, I am quoting from memory. The point is the HSK has a strong Beijing flavour, and some of the phrases are taken directly from CPC handbooks and the helmsmen's theories. In a way, it feels like the Four Books of the imperial examinations all over again: the Thought of Mao Zedong, the Theory of the 3 Represents, the Concept of Scientific Development… As the old saying goes: All things they've changed, and nothing has changed.

One of the things I learned this Summer is that, while I may leave on holidays to Europe, China doesn't really leave me anymore. More than just a country, it is a force of nature, the other face of mankind that is now part of my life. China is always there, and she is everywhere, showing up in unexpected circumstances.

Take Spain, for example. The Chinese community there is largely new, not fluent in languages, and originated from one single point in China: the tiny county of Qingtian, upriver from Wenzhou. When it comes to languages, the Spanish are not much better than them, and the whole situation is full of opportunities for the literate laowai. While a simple “nihao” is usually enough to be the hero of the day, some preparation yields better results. Just wander into a Chinese shop casually dropping a Qingtianese greeting, and comment on the remarkable history of the old stone-carving county, home of the Chinese-Spanish. This makes you popular. And you can drink tea and practice your Chinese conversation for hours on end.

What follows is a true story that happened in my last day of holidays. It includes a Chinese family with extraordinary sleeping abilities, and a team of adventurous Spanish ducks. I hope you enjoy it:

It was the first morning flight from Bilbao to Paris, where I was scheduled to connect with the Air France to Shanghai. As I entered the cabin of the A319, I marked immediately a Chinese family sitting in one of the front rows: a middle-aged mother with her son.

She was wearing a shapeless purple jacket in the style of the hundred names, and her teenage son covered his head in a Korean hip-hop hoody. They stood out in the business atmosphere of the early flight. But what made me notice them—and I couldn't help a smile—is that they were already fast asleep before I even got to my seat. As far as I could see, they didn't switch their positions for the duration of a rather eventful flight.

From the start, the journey proved trying for my nerves. As we were taking off, there was a loud bang coming from the back of the plane, followed by a vibration that grew stronger as we flew. For a while nothing else happened, but then, as we were approaching France, the plane suddenly leant to one side, and the Pyrenees mountains turned 180 degrees around us, until we were headed back West from where we came.

The noise grew worse, and the passengers with notions of geography were increasingly anxious. The town of San Sebastian appeared below us for the second time, only this time the ground seemed much closer. All the service call beeps went off one after the other. I looked around to the other passengers and they were all looking around. Nobody spoke.

Finally, the cabin crew appeared on the aisle, delivering row by row the official version of the facts: during take off a flying object had collided with the blades of engine 2, producing the bang and subsequent vibrations that we were experiencing. It was a common occurrence, and there was no danger. As part of the normal safety procedure, the captain had decided to return to the home airport for maintenance.

“It was probably a bird,” said the stewardess when she got to our row.

“A bird?” laughed the steward, “that was a team of big fat ducks!”

I figured he must have been instructed to keep a light mood. I tried hard to laugh, picturing circles of ducklings turning in the turbofan as we struggled to get past the sharp Basque valleys.

***

After an endless flight we were safety landed back onto Bilbao airport. As we were waiting to disembark, the pilot confirmed that the airplane was done for the day. We had to pick up our luggage first and then go to the Air France office on the second floor to request a new ticket. As usual, my suitcase was one of the last to appear on the rolling band, and by the time I got to the office there was already a long queue, about the length of a duck-stricken A319, and every bit as noisy.

The crowd was growing unruly. Some French passengers harangued the masses with true revolutionary spirit, launching slogans against all winged creatures, including ducks, airbuses, and Air France pilots. Since I was last, there was not much point in queuing, so I just stood on one side in a way to signify my disapproval. Then I noticed the focus was gradually shifting, as the keen Robespierres directed their anger to some unidentified target at the front of the queue. I walked over to have a closer look.

It was the Chinese family.

Clearly, they hadn't understood the instructions to pick up the luggage, and they had come straight to the airline office before anyone else. They were first, and they showed no intention of giving up their position. On the contrary, they were holding it admirably. The mother covered the rearguard with her fierce eye, while the son held fast to the desk. They were obviously well trained in conflictive queues, and they seemed unimpressed by the mob.

Linguistically, the situation was not ideal. The mother was screaming in Qingtianese, the son translated into Chinglese and an Air France employee replied in elaborate Spanglish, while the French head of office stared in disbelief. I was alone, and my faithful friend the Electronic Dictionary & Thesaurus was out of reach in the bottom of my bag. But the time was to act, and I did not falter in the hour of peril.

I cut right to the front and put in a “Qué pasa?什么事?”. All four faces turned to me at once. The queue became suddenly quiet.

“They want to go to China!” cried the employee in Spanish.

“We want to go to China!” cried the son in Chinese.

The positions of the parties seemed to me very much unanimous, and ripe for an easy consensus. But further enquiry proved that it was not exactly so. I managed to reconstruct the following facts:

The family had slept through the flight, right until we landed back in Bilbao. Then they had not understood the strongly accented message of the pilot and they had dashed out of the plane straight to the connections desk, where they had been redirected to the airline office. And they acted so urgently because they only had one hour to catch the connecting flight. All they asked is to board their plane immediately, and they were pretty suspicious of this whole attitude of the staff in Paris.

Because they actually thought they were in Paris.

The problem was not an easy one to explain. Not only the mother's mandarin was as bad as mine, but also she was determined, and she had a deep rooted common sense. They had just flown into Paris and therefore this was Paris, she would take no nonsense from a laowai. I used all my persuasion. I noted how the souvenir shops were selling bullfighters, and not tour eiffels. Finally the young son understood, and he helped me convince her. The fact was settled: We were in Spain, and there were no direct flights to Shanghai from this airport.

The rest was fairly easy to manage, and after a few minutes the three of us left the office with a new ticket. Once their infinite gratitude had been sufficiently expressed, I couldn't help asking the son:

“But, how could you not realize that this is the same airport as before?”

“Well,” he smiled shyly, “Mum was just telling me that she finds all airports in Europe look strikingly similar!”

And his mother, who was tough but good-humoured, found it rather funny, and we all joined in a face-saving laughter. Then I knew I was engaged as official interpreter of the sleeping family.

***

In the end, my work as a translator served my interests well. We got our new tickets before anyone else, the last three places left to connect with the evening Paris-Shanghai. The revolutionaries were so stunned by the performance that they forgot to guillotine us, and the Air France employee gave us some free lunch vouchers for the VIP lounge. To make our wait more pleasant, she said, the company was offering one of their specialty dishes in the “Restaurant des Mondes”.

It was still far from the Spanish lunch time, so we had to wait while they opened the kitchen for us. The prospect of a free lunch worked well to improve the mood of my Chinese friends, and we had a lively chat in the VIP sofas. I took the chance to impress them with my baidupedic knowledge of their hometown. After that they opened up to me, and the last lines of suspicion finally vanished from the woman's brow.

I listened distractedly as the son informed me of the state of the rap scene in Zhejiang. A terrible state that was, apparently, and I waited for a chance to switch topics. It was his mother that I found most intriguing. All the while she was sitting very still, as if lost in her own thoughts. She had an outside appearance that in China would be classified as “peasant”, but her proud, resolute eyes didn't quite fit in the picture. What was she doing flying around with her single son? I finally asked him.

As it turned out, she was a renowned chef back home. Qingtian is the origin of thousands of Chinese restaurants across Europe, and their extended family had made a fortune with a popular chain of Chinese food. She had come as an expert to establish new recipes in the family restaurants in Spain, all the while teaching her son the secrets of the Chinese cuisine. They had toured the country for three months, making the company's food “more delicious, more authentically Chinese”.

“Her most famous recipe is Beijing Duck,” said the kid, licking his lips, “You have never tried anything like that!”

“I would love to have a chance to try it,” I answered, suddenly hungry for duck.

Then the mother, who hadn't said a word all this time, looked at me with a strange smile. I felt there was an invitation coming. Instead, she opened her eyes wide and nervously shook her son's shoulder.

“Heavens!” she cried, “we still haven't picked up our luggage!”

***

When I took them down to luggage collection, their belongings were still lonely turning around on the band, a number of shapeless pieces covered in woven tarpaulin. As we loaded them one by one onto a trolley, the son suddenly found something was wrong. It was the last packet, a cardboard box with some strange little holes pierced on the top. He held the box on his knees and showed me one of the corners where it had been torn open. The box was empty.

The woman was very upset. She started moving her arms up and down and speaking in her sing-song dialect at an alarming speed. I couldn't understand a word of what she was saying, but the replies of her son were more composed, and I could more or less make out the gist of it:

“I told you we couldn't take them on a plane, mum!”, he was saying.

“But how can we pass the long winter without them?”, she replied.

Suddenly I had a very dark premonition. While they were busy arguing, I walked over to the broken box and examined it carefully. As I held it up in front of me, a small, delicate object floated down from the broken corner. It was a feather.

I dropped the box as if it burned my hands, and I kicked it behind the rolling band were it wouldn't be seen. I was in panic now, and I joined the arguing party with my own version of alarmed mandarin:

“We have to het out of here, NOW!”, I said.

“什么？ But the box?,” said the mother.

“Forget it!” I pushed the trolley towards the door, “we will see to that later!”

“什么？ But we have to file a complaint. They might have found …”

“No!”

I tried to control my nerves, as I envisioned charges for terrorism, and the dire diplomatic consequences of China's national dish being presented as evidence of the crime. I tried to relax telling myself that at least there hadn't been any human casualties.

“Please help us,” she said.

“We can't do this now! Spain is a bureaucratic country, these things take a long time…” I muttered. “And anyway I'm sure your little friends are going to be fine!”

She gave me another inquisitive glance, like the first time I suggested she was not in Paris. She was clearly reconsidering about my sanity.

“Well, excuse me ,” she said, “but they are important to me, and if you don't want to help me I will have to file the complaint myself”

Just at that moment the airport PA system cracked with a life-saving announcement. All the passengers of the cancelled flight were asked to go back immediately to the second floor, were new information was awaiting us from the captain.

“Quick, this must be our lunch, let's go before we miss it!” I translated, and this argument finally seemed convincing enough for the stubborn lady.

***

On the second floor, the slick French captain was putting in practice the company's open information policy. The maintenance staff had just confirmed—he said—that it was indeed the impact of external objects on the engine that had caused the vibration. The strange bodies had been already extracted and brought in from the hangar for analysis. The decision to return to the airport had proven a good choice, as it was the chief engineer's opinion that we would have never made it to Paris.

A drop of cold sweat fell down my right temple as I considered the chances of those little animals finding their way into the turbine. Even if they managed to tear open the box and then break free from under the piles of luggage, even if they could unlatch the hold door with their little beaks, still, how could they fly over to the engine? It seemed impossible. I remembered the laws of fluid dynamics, and how turbulent airflows exhibit nonlinear, chaotic behaviours. For the first time in my life I felt I understood the real meaning of the Chaos Theory.

In the meantime, the mother had sent her boy to inquire about lost objects, and he was explaining their problem to the captain in such a perfectly unintelligible English that the brave man could only smile politely. They looked around at a loss, only to see that their laowai friend was nowhere to be found. I had just in time slipped into the gentlemen's restroom.

At this point, the airport loudspeakers buzzed again:

Passengers of the AF2435 to Paris, please proceed into our VIP lounge. As a special attention, we are offering you the chef's specialty in our exclusive “Restaurant des Mondes”

***

I joined the family again as they walked down the corridor to the VIP Lounge. It seemed that the luxury meal kindly offered by Air France had conquered the heart of the frightful woman. Her expression showed no more pain for the loss of her beasts, and I hoped she had decided to give up the search. Presently, she was impressed by the quality of the service, and her mood was chatty.

“They know how to treat a client, in France,” she said conversationally, “back in China it's not even comparable.”

“Oh, sure, great service here,”

“Even if they don't have any proper backup plans,” she noted, “they are just great at doing nice surprises.”

“Oh, yeah, you can count on the French for surprises”

“It is all in the attitude, isn't it?”, she said, and her only child nodded in agreement.

As we approached the “Restaurant des Mondes”, the atmosphere was so relaxed that I thought we had passed the worst. I just had to get them on our plane right after lunch, and there would be no more nonsense of lost object complaints. Then I saw the stewardess at the restaurant door, smiling. She held a large sign written in all the major languages of the World, including mandarin. It read:

TODAYS SPECIAL DISH:

“Thin-sliced duck Beijing style”

In case there were any doubts, underneath the text there was a colourful picture of a team of ducks thinly sliced as if by fast rotating blades, swimming in the dark sauce of the traditional Beijing recipe.

I tried with my body to hide the sign from their view, but I was too late. There was not much point anyway, the pictures were all over the place, and the food was coming out any minute. As we sat down, I peeped at her out of the corner of my eye. Her expression was enigmatic, the initial apprehension had turned into something more lofty. Was it triumph? I trembled.

The dishes were served and, unexpectedly, nothing happened. I glanced at my two friends. The were obviously enjoying their meal, emitting now and then favorable grunts and other judgements with the assurance of the true connoisseur. Then, halfway through their ducks, they looked at each other with an understanding smile and, following some mysterious signal, the lady suddenly stood up, knocking her chair behind her, and crying out loudly:

“I want to speak to the person who cooked this!”

There was a spark in her eye as she glared at the kitchen door on the other side of the dining room. I could not think of anything to say this time, so I just sat still, helpless as the slings and arrows flew swiftly towards their target.

Seeing that no help was forthcoming from my side, the mother ignored me and took direct action. She strode across the room and, without further preambles, she thrust open the kitchen door, roaring in Qingtianese. In a minute, the cook came out sporting a high chef hat and howling even louder than her. To my surprise, he was also employing some variety of Zhejiang dialect.

Then something strange happened. The moment he saw the chef, the son stood up and ran across the dining room charging like a fighting bull, and when the three of them were at a close distance, they came together in a long, warm hug.

I stood rather awkwardly next to them, wondering what was next. The chatter of the adults had risen to undecipherable speeds under the flow of emotions. I looked at the teenager for an explanation, but he was too absorbed speaking to the cook. Finally, I managed to catch some fraction of the conversation:

“Uncle Li, we knew it had to be you, nobody else in the World can cook Beijing Duck like mother! What are you doing here?”

“You know, I got a catering contract with Air France, didn't I tell you?”

“Uncle, you really need to help us, mother is really worried! This laowai is with us, but his Chinese is so-so, and he just doesn't get it!”

“Say, my boy, what is the problem?”

“It is the new down-filled coats that mum bought to take home for the winter. She was so upset when we found out that they've been stolen from our luggage…”